the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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