textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
We had sex on a dog bed..
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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