i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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