I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
