And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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