Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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