so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
