Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
