So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
