I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
