A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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