I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Randomize