the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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