A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
