she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
from now on my penis is your penis
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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