Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Randomize