How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
