i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
