When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize