I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
