Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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