I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
