I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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