i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
