Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
