things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
