I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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