Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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