it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
