I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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