that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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