im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
