The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
