Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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