i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
