i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
