Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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