found the other keg... it's in the tree
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Send help, water and tortillas.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
