You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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