I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
