Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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