I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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