and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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