Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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