Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
