Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Randomize