I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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