You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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