life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
