his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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