ya dads aren't the best wingmen
my vag is so smooth its legendary
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
