went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Randomize
