every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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