My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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