Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
She told me I should be a condom model.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
